The Absence of Social Media

Dear friends

As I said in my last post, I took some time off from everything. Before I did that, I had a very intense night and I wrote this text. At the beginning I wanted to post it like a little explanation, but then I decided not to, since all my friends already knew. Somehow it just stayed on my Desktop as a reminder of my current state of mind and why I made my decisions that way. 

So since I'm sort or back - don't expect to much from me though haha - I decided to post it afterall to share this experience with you.

Lara xx 

>> How to start? By changing the type of writing or the size of letters? No. This is distracting me of what I am about to write.

This is exactly my topic for tonight. This is what is on my mind. And since this is what it is all about, I am just going to start without any prolog or whatever it is I would usually start with.

Welcome.

I guess I will just start typing as fast as I can to lose as little thoughts as possible before I fixed them in letters and words and sentences.

The Absence of Social Media.

It is 2 in the morning and if you would ask me now if I am drunk or high I would not mind. I would understand. This is not far to seek. And we do not need to be polite tonight.

Yes I am drunk. Yes I am high. Kind of.

But let me explain myself.

I am drunk on tonight's impressions. I am high on my thoughts and the idea that is growing out of them.

Tonight I got opened. I got freed. Freed by art.

I got pushed, broken and ripped open by it. Violently. Honest and naked. I crossed a line tonight that I have never crossed before. Once I opened up I did not hide. I did not go home with my impressions to think them through. Tonight was different. I kept going. I lost control about the things I noticed. About the thoughts coming with them. I reached a level of my stream of consciousness that I have never reached in my life. When I felt that I could not stand any more input, that I had to be in silence, to be on my own to work things out, I did not follow this feeling. I just did not. And that is when it all broke open. I lost my protection and I got hit by everything I saw.

Right now writing this, I get goosebumps. I am super tired. I am freezing and shaking and hungry. But this is everything I have to do right now. To know that, that is the feeling I want to keep. To know if my current situation is right for me. That there is only one thing I want to do in that exact moment. And that it is alright to follow that drive.

To stop the world around me from distracting me and covering up the things that are important. The things I am supposed to do. The way I am supposed to feel and to act and to think. I wish for the world to stop giving me answers to the questions I never asked. I wish for social media to stop telling me the way I am supposed to look. The way I am supposed to dress myself and what I really have to buy right now even though I never needed that in my life. To stop deciding for me what is good and what is bad. What is cool and what is not cool. I do not have to watch your stories every day via social media. Not because I do not care, but because I would prefer to sit down over a cup of coffee with you telling me everything yourself. To see the glance in your eyes and the smile on your lips.

I wish for myself to restart looking into peoples eyes and to value what I see in them instead of checking their Instagram account or Facebook profile first. To stop judging according to things I think I know about them, without ever really talking to them. We think we know each other, but actually we only know what we are projecting onto other people. What we expect them to be like. I am curious how many of my followers know me, like really know and understand me. I could guess 5. Maybe 10. So why do I have to post everything out into the wide world for the 10 people I actually care about to see it. Why do I have to tell everyone how amazing my life is while I am standing on the outside to get the perfect photo instead of being in the middle of it and enjoying it in every color and shade. Who am I trying to make believe my tales? Whom do I have to show prove about my state of happiness?

I am constantly catching myself checking my phone without knowing why. Waiting for something to happen there instead of caring about what is in front of me. To lose more and more of my precious time to checking Instagram and following people through their daily life instead of caring about my own. And I just feel the urge of stopping this madness right here, right now.

That is why I am cutting back my social media life. I currently have a Facebook profile, a Twitter account, a blog, 3 Instagram accounts and Snapchat. And you know what I got out of them? Pure stress. The fact that I am not posting something is stressing me out because a great moment is not worth a thing if nobody can see it. The fact that I am not able to keep all of them alive at the same time makes me feel disappointed in myself. This is ridiculous. I do not need any of them.

So after tonight's opening up, freeing myself through art, I decided to inactivate most of them. To turn into a nerd and to waste my time on reading, on drawing pictures, on having real-life-conversations with people I care about. To finally get enough sleep. To focus on what matters to me.

To be honest I have no idea how long this is going last. I will leave everything the way it is for as long as I feel like. I could be back in a week, I could be gone for at least a year. Nobody knows and neither do I. But I am still here. I will keep my e-mail address, my phone number and Whatsapp. I will keep living in the flat I live in and I will still be there if you want to reach me. There are plenty of ways for people who actually care. You can say whatever you want. You can call me crazy. I do not care, I will not even know about it. Go ahead, unfollow me or judge me or whatever you want to do.

I will be on the other side for a while. Call it the dark side of the moon if you want to. But maybe the other side of the moon is actually the brighter one and we just cannot see it because the spotlights of our own little daily life stage is blinding us.

Heads up and take care. See you soon xx <<